


Vlogging and Other Emotional Traumas

by BlakBriar



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, I Made Myself Cry, I love my sweet son, I'm so sorry, Lance (Voltron) Has Anxiety, Panic Attacks, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, why am i like this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2019-01-31 13:20:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12682734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlakBriar/pseuds/BlakBriar
Summary: You guys I just watched Lance's vlog and I hAvE eMoTiOnS. This is a what if scenario of before his vlog. It's basically just Lance thinking about stuff. I'm bad at summaries, please just read it, I promise it's better than it sounds.(P.S. this could probably be triggering so please be careful)





	Vlogging and Other Emotional Traumas

**Author's Note:**

> Hey you wonderful readers. 
> 
> So as I mentioned in the summary, I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about Lance's vlog. I really enjoyed it of course, I love seeing my sweet child being happy and sunny and flirty, but I was also a little disappointed that it wasn't a little deeper. Then I thought about it though and it is kind of in Lance's character to avoid talking about his problems or real feelings, he's very dramatic and surprisingly emotionally closed off. Anyway, that lead to this awful and sad headcannon of mine but I love it a lot. Hope you enjoy! (Sorry again, I'm awful)
> 
> ~BlakBriar

Lance paced nervously. His thumbnail was between his teeth, and it was an awful habit, and he was trying to stop because it was hell on his cuticles, but Allura had talked to the team about making these video journal things and he was stressed. Allura had said they'd be private, they were for reflection and working things out now, and a sort of record for in the future. Unless anyone wanted to share them, no one would see them. Except Pidge was a hacking genius who often didn't understand boundaries, and as much as he loved Allura, it wasn't above her to get them all doing this thing and then to whip them out one day as a super sneaky surprise bonding exercise.

Allura had talked to them about this weeks ago, and he knew she was getting impatient about it. So, he'd forced himself into the room and ignored his apprehension. He'd made it as far as to sit down, but couldn't bring himself to turn the camera on. There were so many things to talk about. There was his family, it would be nice to talk about them, think about them, try and remember all the little details, but he knew it would hurt. He missed them, and he already knew things were slipping. The exact shade of little Lilly's eyes, whether Marco's birthday was on the 17th or 18th of June. It'd gotten to the point where he couldn't fall asleep until he'd gone through all the details three times. Every night it took longer.

He tasted the metallic tang of blood and switched hands.

Okay, so family was out, he'd never get through a video without crying, and he'd promised himself no tears in space. Every time he'd gotten watery eyes late at night he'd just pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes until spots danced on the back of his eyelids and the tears were gone.

What if he just did the video in Spanish? Allura had said no one else needed to see it anyway right? Besides, he really missed the language, it was pretty much all they spoke at home, and he'd missed it ever since he left for the Garrison. He sighed, he should probably speak English, just in case, speaking Spanish would probably also make him cry anyway. He didn't want his accent to come back either, that would definitely remind him of home too much and bring the tears. Alright, so he still had to find something to do the video on.

He could talk about the team. His new sort of space family, but that would inevitably lead him to his own shortcomings. He was in no way interested in talking about how much of a failure he was on camera. In fact, he'd probably rather die. If anyone ever saw it- better not to even think about it. It was moments like these he missed the little bottle of pills sitting on his bedside table back at the garrison. He hadn't figured a night out with Hunk and Pidge would make him all that anxious, so he'd left them behind. If he'd known he'd end up getting stuck in space, he never would've forgotten the medication. His mom had always told him to keep them handy, why he didn't listen to her more was a mystery. She always did end up being right.

Fine, so talking about any sort of family or people he was close to was out. He wasn't interested in being recorded crying or having a panic attack.

He could always just talk about what they'd actually done so far. He'd had all sort of adventures, good ones, bad ones, hilarious ones, traumatising ones. Yeah... Maybe not. He was still pacing. Where was mamá when he needed her? Or Hunk? Anyone, really, to distract him from his own thoughts. He could feel pressure building in his chest, like the air was being crushed out of his lungs. He hated these attacks the most. When he could feel it coming, see his thoughts pulling him there in a steady line, but couldn't stop it. Knowing it was happening and being helpless only made it worse.

He tucked himself into the corner and huddled against the wall. Hugged his arms around himself. Pulled his knees in to his chest. Dropped his head onto his legs. His thoughts raced, fracturing, the scattered pieces not making any sense. He heaved, gasping for air as liquid filled his lungs and fire scorched his throat. His fingers were numb. There was something he was supposed to be doing. Something that would help. He wasn't doing it. He forced his brain to follow that thought, trying to ignore all the other thoughts whipping against him.

**_You aren't good enough._ **

Not listening.

**_You're letting the team down._ **

No, wait.

**_They're going to get hurt because of your weakness. You only get in their way._ **

Stop.

**_Your family's probably glad you're gone. Now they don't have to deal with you anymore._ **

Please.

**_You ruin everything you touch. No one will ever love you. Remember what happened to Freddie? Your fault. Bell? You already almost lost the blue lion. Not to mention that Keith's off the team because of you._ **

The words might as well have been physical weapons the way they cut through him. He felt like he'd been slammed through a wall.

**_You should just get out of everyone's way._ **

No. No, this was the anxiety talking, this was not the truth. Focus Lance. Breathe. You have to breathe. Count. Breathe and count. That's what you have to do.

It took way to long to calm down. His brain was a mess without the medication. He was out of practice dealing with the attacks. It'd been a while since he'd had this many bad ones, the medication toned it down. He got stressed a lot, had small moments that were almost but not quite actual panic attacks, but now it was all coming back, and he wasn't properly prepared to deal with it. He shook his head vigorously, he would be fine. He had to be.

Once he'd managed to pull himself shakily to his feet he made his way over to the camera and dropped into the chair. He straightened his disheveled hair, wiped the sweat off his face and took a few steadying deep breaths. Once he was sure the flush was gone from his cheeks and his hands had stopped trembling he reached over and clicked the camera on.

He shaped his face into grin, pushed everything else out of his mind, and did what he did best; pretend everything was okay. "Alright, what's up castle's computer? I'm the red paladin, Lance, but you can call me sharpshooter. It's what my friends call me."

**Author's Note:**

> Hope that didn't damage you as much as it damaged me. Feel free to comment or critique, love you guys!
> 
> ~BlakBriar


End file.
